Few topics divide Nigerians quite like divorce. Some people believe marriage is a forever affair, while others think staying in an unhappy marriage makes no sense.
But how much does a person’s generation influence their views on marriage? To find out, we asked six Nigerian women from different generations to debate this issue. Here’s their argument.
I’m getting married later this year, and I don’t believe in divorce. Our generation seems too comfortable with leaving. If you’re standing in front of people and promising to spend your life with someone, you should mean it.
A lot of the problems that people divorce over could have been spotted before marriage. Sometimes it feels like people enter marriage already knowing they have an exit plan if things don’t work out.
If you’re getting married, it should be because you’ve decided you’ll do everything possible to make it work.
A few years ago, I would’ve agreed with Charity.
I used to think divorced people gave up too easily. My parents divorced in the 1980s, when it carried more stigma than it does today. For years, I blamed my mother for leaving.
That changed after my father died and I reconnected with her. She told me how he mistreated her and sometimes let us go hungry because he refused to give her money. She endured all that until he impregnated her closest friend. Hearing her side of the story changed how I think about divorce.
I still believe marriage requires compromise, and I don’t support ending a marriage simply because you’ve fallen out of love. But if a relationship is destroying your mental or physical well-being, leaving is the right thing to do.
I understand Ife’s point, but I still think people leave too quickly.
Personally, I’d consider separation but never divorce. And I’ll only separate if it involves domestic or s*xual abuse. Beyond that, I believe marriage means committing to difficult seasons.
My husband struggled with gambling when we were younger, and he also cheated. Those things hurt deeply. There were times I felt angry and disappointed, but I refused to let his actions erase the family I’d built.
I’ve learnt that people change. If I’d left during those difficult years, I would’ve missed out on the relationship we have today.
The problem is that people are always trying to decide which offences are serious enough to justify divorce.
I think the real question is whether the marriage is still working for the people in it. Everybody has different dealbreakers. One person might be able to cope with financial problems but draw the line at religious differences. Someone else might feel the exact opposite. That’s why I don’t think there’s a universal standard for leaving.
Kim Kardashian ended her marriage after 72 days, and everyone mocked her. But if she already knew it wasn’t working, why stay? She could’ve remained there for another 20 years and reached the same conclusion.
Of course, people should support each other through difficult periods. But there’s a difference between a temporary problem and a failed relationship. The decision to stay or leave belongs to the people in the marriage, not the public.
One of the biggest reasons people suffer in marriage is that we’ve convinced ourselves that selfishness is a bad thing.
Everybody talks about compromise, but if I’m married, I’ll ask whether the relationship is making my life better. If the answer is no, why should I stay?
People romanticise suffering far too much. The moment a marriage faces serious problems, the expectation is that you stay and work through it together no matter what.
Maybe that’s the right choice in some situations. But would that person make the same sacrifices for me? Would they extend the same grace they’re asking from me?
At the end of the day, marriage is an agreement between two people. If that agreement stops working, I don’t think anyone should continue staying.
Divorce should be celebrated more than marriage.
Maybe I’ll change my mind when I’m older, but that’s how I feel right now. A lot of it comes from watching my parents. They separated at one point, and her family was ready to support her, but she went back because she wanted to keep fighting for the marriage.
My dad was an alcoholic who never changed until he passed. Now, my mum talks about all the things she wishes she’d done differently. I believe everyone would’ve been better off if they had divorced.
People always say staying is the brave thing to do. I don’t agree. It takes more courage to walk away, and we should encourage it.
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