People often assume dating someone older means choosing maturity and stability. But for these Nigerians, the age gap came with unhealthy power dynamics they didn’t recognise until much later.
They share the moments they realised their relationships had become manipulative or abusive.
In 2019, I started seeing a married man who was twice my age. By 2021, I’d had enough. I wanted to meet people who were closer to my age. He couldn’t understand why I’d want to leave. He felt it was perfectly fine for him to have a wife and family, but I wasn’t allowed to see anyone else.
He eventually agreed, but I made the mistake of telling him about my first date. He acted unbothered. Then visited my apartment and left with every key I owned. I only realised when I was about to leave for my date. Since I couldn’t risk leaving my apartment unlocked, I missed the date. He ignored my calls and denied taking the keys, but I knew better.
When I finally ended the relationship, things got worse. He demanded I return everything he’d ever bought me and even sent his driver to collect the double-door fridge he’d gifted me.
In 2024, I dated a woman who was six years older than me. I didn’t care about the age gap, but she clearly did.
She only introduced me as her cousin, never let me meet her friends and laughed when I officially asked her to be my girlfriend.
Whenever I told her it hurt, she’d guilt-trip me by bringing up her past relationships and why she wasn’t ready.
I kept trying to prove myself. I’d spend part of my NYSC allowance buying her thoughtful gifts, only for her to mock me and ask why I wasted my corper’s allowance.
I eventually realised she was ashamed of being with me. She wanted all the benefits of being with me, she just didn’t want anyone to know.
My husband is 13 years older than me. When we got married, I thought I’d struck gold with an established man while my mates were just starting their careers.
I now realise age was just a way for him to control me. He believes that being older automatically makes him right. Even though I earn my own money, I still drive the old Peugeot he gave me because buying myself a car would be seen as disrespect. Whenever I challenge him, my family tells me to let it go because he’s older.
What hurts the most is how he humiliates me in public. If I disagree with him or even contribute to a conversation, he’ll put me down. I even left my church after he embarrassed me in front of our pastor for sharing my opinion. After all these years, I don’t think he sees me as an equal.
The biggest challenge in my age gap marriage is my husband’s rigid traditional beliefs. He refuses to eat refrigerated food and insists every meal must be cooked fresh. Even now, he believes akara should be ground on a stone.
For years, I’d rush home from work to cook from scratch just to keep him happy. Eventually, my daughters and I got tired. We started reheating refrigerated food and serving it to him. He never noticed.
He only found out after our new house help mentioned reheating his food. He stopped eating at home for a week and told my family members I’d disrespected his authority and was starving him. In the end, I apologised just to keep the peace.
Nothing has changed, though. I still refrigerate food without his knowledge, and I finally bought a food processor. At my age, I’m not pounding yams to prove I’m a good wife.
I married an older man I dated in university. Sometimes, I wish we’d left it there. His manipulation became obvious after we had our daughter. One day, I posted a photo of her rocking a cute beach outfit on WhatsApp. He called me a reckless mother and said I was dressing her to turn out the way I did.
He’s never stopped judging me for my past. Because we met at a club, he still questions my character and says I’m not a trustworthy woman, even though I’ve changed completely since becoming a wife and mother.
Now, he barely lets me take our daughter out with my friends because he thinks they’ll influence her. What scares me most is how his actions will rub off on our daughter.
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