Ladi* (38) always imagined marriage as the happily-ever-after he’d spent years reading about in romance novels. Instead, he fell in love with a woman whose past came with responsibilities he never saw himself taking on.
In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he talks about marrying a single mum, the boundaries he’s still struggling to accept and why, despite everything, patience has become the hardest part of his marriage.
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I was a proper lover boy growing up. I consumed every relationship story I could get my hands on. I was always reading romance novels or watching love stories. I remember being obsessed with soaps like “When You Are Mine” and “The Gardener’s Daughter”. Somewhere along the line, I convinced myself that my own marriage would look like that, too.
Obviously, I knew real life wouldn’t be perfect, but I genuinely believed I’d find my princess and we’d build this beautiful, romantic life together.
That mindset even shaped how I dated. Not to brag, but if you ask any of my exes, they’ll probably tell you I was one of the most romantic men they’d been with. I always believed love deserved effort.
So when I pictured marriage, I pictured a fairytale. Maybe not exactly like the movies, but close enough that I’d spend my life trying to recreate it.
If there’s one thing that has surprised me the most about marriage, it’s my wife.
In every version of my future I imagined growing up, there wasn’t one where I married someone who already had a child or had been married before. But I guess that’s life. You never really know where love will find you.
We attended university together, then lost touch for almost five years before reconnecting. She was just as beautiful as I remembered, and everything happened naturally from there.
I’d seen her son before, but I never asked questions. I suspected he was hers, but I promised myself I’d wait until she was ready to tell me. She eventually did, about a year into our relationship.
By then, my feelings were already too deep for it to change anything. Ironically, accepting it myself turned out to be the easy part.
The real doubts started when I introduced her to my family. My parents liked everything about her until my mum found out she already had a child. It was almost like someone flipped a switch. Suddenly, there were endless reasons why I shouldn’t continue. According to my mum, I deserved someone without any “history.”
If I’m being honest, a small part of me understood where she was coming from. Then, just as wedding preparations had begun, my wife’s son’s father suddenly returned from abroad after years away and wanted to be an active father again.
That complicated everything. I found myself wondering whether I was really ready for the kind of marriage I was walking into. It wasn’t just about marrying the woman I loved anymore. It also meant accepting that another man would always have a place in our lives because of their child.
In the end, love won because I chose her anyway.
Nobody prepared me for what it actually means to marry someone who already has a child.
My stepson lives with us, and I genuinely love him. Somewhere along the way, he stopped feeling like “my wife’s son” and simply became my son too. But loving him hasn’t removed the complicated parts.
His biological father still comes to our house to pick him up sometimes, and I’ve never been comfortable with that. Personally, I don’t think he should even know where we live.
The one time I raised it with my wife, it became a serious argument. Afterwards, I kept wondering whether I was being unreasonable or simply protecting my own peace.
The difficult thing is that I can’t exactly run to my parents for advice because they never supported the marriage in the first place. Sometimes it feels like I’m figuring everything out alone.
And if I’m honest, whenever I have to figure things out by myself, I usually end up choosing the option that makes everyone else comfortable except me.
Last year, my stepson turned 10. My wife and I had agreed to organise a small celebration until his father stepped in and insisted on throwing a much bigger party.
The moment that happened, I quietly stepped back. I cancelled the plans I’d already made, bought my stepson a nice gift and some money, and decided I wouldn’t attend the party. My wife was disappointed but respected my decision.
She and my stepson left the day before the party and didn’t return until two days later. By the time they got home, I was angry. I said things I shouldn’t have said. I accused her of taking me for granted and told her that not every man would tolerate everything I’d tolerated.
Looking back, I regret saying those things in front of the child. I apologised later that day because no matter how frustrated I felt, he didn’t deserve to witness that.
Still, the conversation itself needed to happen. I’ve never asked my wife to stop her son’s father from being involved. In fact, people complain every day about absent fathers. If a father genuinely wants to show up for his child, that’s a good thing.
What I’ve struggled with is boundaries. We’re still figuring out what those should look like.
Marriage has definitely made me a more patient person. I wouldn’t describe my younger self as impatient, but these days I’m much more intentional about processing my emotions before reacting. It’s changed how I deal with people outside my home, too. Situations that would’ve gotten an immediate reaction from me years ago barely get one now.
One thing that hasn’t changed is my romantic side. I still enjoy making my wife feel special. Last Valentine’s Day, I planned a family trip to Ghana. Before we got back, I’d already arranged for a neighbour to receive a giant surprise package and leave it in our house. Watching her open it remains one of my favourite memories from our marriage.
Moments like that remind me why I fell in love with her in the first place. At the same time, I’d be lying if I said I don’t sometimes wonder whether marrying someone with an existing family was the right decision.
If I could advise my younger self today, I’d probably tell him not to go down that path, not because single mothers don’t deserve love, but because relationships like ours come with complications that many people underestimate.
Sometimes those old family ties blur boundaries, even when nobody intends for them to. Maybe I feel this way because my wife and I are still waiting for our own child together. I believe that chapter will change a lot for us.
Until then, I’m choosing to hold on to the part of me that has always believed in love, even when it turns out very differently from the fairytale I imagined growing up.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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