No one sets out hoping to become the other woman or the other man in a relationship. But love can lead people into messy situations they never expected. We spoke to 11 Nigerians to understand what led them into relationships with people who already had partners, why they stayed, and what they’ve learned from those experiences.
I’ve never wanted marriage or the level of commitment that comes with it, so dating married men ended up fitting the kind of life I wanted. The first time happened by accident. I didn’t even know he was married until we were already deeply involved, but I warmed up to the arrangement.
He was mature and didn’t demand constant attention because he already had a family and life outside me. I’m not asking anyone to leave their wife or neglect their family for me, so I’m not harming anyone.
When we met in 2023, she told me she was leaving her boyfriend because he was emotionally and financially abusive. I believed her, so I didn’t feel guilty when our friendship turned romantic. She later told me she’d left him for good and had chosen me. But after stumbling on their Instagram messages, I realised they were still in contact.
A few months later, we argued and she asked for a break. That’s when I discovered she’d never really left her boyfriend. She chose not to continue our relationship, and they got married last year.
I became a side chick because I was still in the closet. She was my friend, and we started sleeping together while she was dating a man. She was struggling to accept her sexuality, and I stayed because I understood what that felt like.
Being with her also felt safer than putting myself out there or telling more people I liked women. I kept hoping she’d eventually choose me, or at least be honest about who she was. In the end, she chose to stay in her relationship and cut me off.
In my first year of university, I developed a crush on my faculty president. I was always around him, and eventually he started paying attention to me. When he confessed he also had feelings for me, I knew he had a girlfriend, but I believed I could eventually make him leave her. Looking back, I was just young and delusional.
About a month later, she found out after someone spotted us together. She came to my room with other girls and beat me so badly I still have a scar on my arm. The embarrassing part is that if he hadn’t started avoiding me afterwards, I probably would’ve gone back.
He’d always been a friend who flirted with me, but I never entertained it because he had a girlfriend and I was in a relationship too. Then one night, we went out together, got really high and hooked up. It was supposed to be a one-time mistake, but it happened again and again.
For the next eight months, we kept going back to each other. Every time, I told myself it would be the last, which made it easier to ignore the guilt. I never really thought of myself as a side chick because I believed it wouldn’t last. It finally ended when he moved away in 2024.
I didn’t know he had a girlfriend when we started dating. If I had, I would’ve never gotten involved. He’d been so discreet because she lived back home while we were in school. Finding out broke my heart, and we even split up for a while.
But I liked him too much to stay away. I believed their relationship had always been on and off, so eventually he’d leave her for me. He never did. Instead, I stayed in that situation for months before finally walking away.
We’d been friends for years before we started sleeping together. We even considered dating, but quickly realised we weren’t compatible romantically. We were only sexually compatible, so whenever we found ourselves in the same place, we’d hook up.
Sometimes one of us was in a relationship, other times both of us were. I’ve never really thought much about the people he dates because, in my head, we aren’t together.
We would’ve dated if not for our different religious backgrounds. While we were stuck in that situation, another woman came into the picture and quickly became his girlfriend. It bruised my pride, and we stopped talking for almost a year.
When we reconnected, he immediately started complaining about the problems in his relationship. By then, I didn’t even want him anymore, but sleeping with him was my way of proving I still had the upper hand. I’ve grown a lot since then and it’s not something I’d do again or advise.
I had an affair with my married coworker. Her husband lived abroad, and she’d often tell me how unhappy she was and how he didn’t care about her or their children. At the time, I was struggling with my mental health, and she was one of the few people who supported me.
She insisted the marriage was only a partnership on paper, so I held on to the hope that she would one day leave. Walking away after two years was one of the hardest things I’ve done. In the end, I had to quit my job just to move on.
I knew he was married from the start. We met through his niece while I was in university, and because his family lived in another state, I’d often spend time at his place instead of travelling all the way home during the holidays. One thing led to another, and we started sleeping together. He was helping me financially, so I planned to just date him for a short time.
But a few months in, I got pregnant. This was in the early 2000s, so abortion wasn’t an option, and I just had to stick with him. We even did an introduction, though I never wanted him to leave his wife or marry me. I only wanted him to take responsibility for our child. The situation has caused so much pain that if I could go back, I wouldn’t do it again.
I was in a really bad place when I met him. He was kind and always there for me. Before long, we started hooking up. He never told me he had a girlfriend, but there were signs. Because we were casual, I never asked questions.
By the time I wanted him to commit, I found out about his relationship and chose to look the other way because I was already attached. What finally made me leave was learning that his girlfriend was religious and had chosen not to have sex before marriage. I realised that was the only reason he was with me. I was just filling the gap until he could get what he wanted from her.
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