When Joshua*, 43, got married 14 years ago, he thought he had found someone as gentle and easy-going as himself. Instead, his wife gradually became the opposite of the woman he thought he knew.
In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he shares how an argument that turned physical made him question whether he was truly ready for marriage, why his wife’s personality change became one of their biggest sources of conflict, and how his spiritual journey taught him to respond with patience rather than anger.
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I always expected my marriage to be peaceful and without trouble. I’m a gentle and easy-going person, and I knew I wanted someone like me who didn’t like to be too social or loud. Even my parents used to joke that they hoped I would find someone like me because my siblings are my complete opposites. We had a difficult relationship growing up because they were always too hyper for my liking, and it caused a lot of fights between us.
So, my experience with them led me to decide I had to marry someone like me. I felt that if we were too different, the marriage wouldn’t survive. But as they say, we can want one thing, and God can have other plans.
I met my wife at a seven-day retreat. I wasn’t looking for a relationship at the time. I was also struggling financially, which was one of the reasons I attended the retreat. I really needed God to change things in my life.
One day, I saw her arguing with an usher. She looked so calm while expressing herself that I felt a strange nudge to intervene. Something in me just felt that she couldn’t have been at fault.
On the day the retreat ended, I asked for her number and she gave it to me. We started talking, and two years later, we got married.
At the time, it felt like she was the light I needed in my life. Things started moving well for me, and I loved her meek and gentle nature. But I didn’t know she had another side to her.
My wife’s nature has been the biggest surprise of my marriage. When we met, I genuinely thought I had found someone like me. She was calm, gentle and easy-going, and that was exactly what I wanted. But over the years, she changed. Sometimes, I look at who she was when we got married and who she is now, and it feels like I’m looking at two completely different people.
She changed physically too, going from slim to much bigger and bustier. But the physical changes aren’t what bother me. It’s the behavioural changes that have been harder to adjust to.
She enjoys going out more now and has become much more outspoken. You can’t put her and the word “gentle” in the same sentence anymore. We’re almost complete opposites now.
But I’m already married to her, and I don’t plan to have a broken home. So I’ve had to learn to be patient and accept that people change.
After all, she also accepted me when I answered my spiritual calling and became a pastor. I can’t expect her to remain exactly the same person I met 14 years ago while I continue to evolve.
A year after we got married, my wife and I had a heated argument. In the middle of it, she pushed me so hard that I fell and hurt my back. I couldn’t believe what had happened.
We didn’t speak for almost three days, even though we were sleeping and waking up in the same house. I’m introverted, so when I’m hurt, my natural reaction is to keep quiet. But those three days made me think deeply. I started asking myself whether I was really ready for marriage if I wasn’t prepared to forgive my wife.
One thing I’ve learnt is that for a marriage to last, you have to get comfortable with forgiving over and over again. Eventually, I prayed and asked God for direction. I was the one who apologised, even though she was the one who had taken things that far.
That experience made me realise that marriage would require much more patience than I had imagined.
We’ve had several arguments over the years. Sometimes it’s family, the children or money. There always seems to be something to disagree about when two people are building a life together. But I learnt early that when my wife is angry, I shouldn’t try to match her energy.
Once she gets in her feelings and it turns into shouting, it’s better to keep quiet or walk away, as it can become physical. There have been times she has dragged my shirt or sat on me and said I wasn’t going anywhere.
In the early years, I would either shout back or leave the house for the weekend. I would also keep quiet and avoid talking about things because that’s just how I naturally am. I didn’t realise that she was also keeping certain things inside.
Eventually, whether I talked or stayed quiet, once my wife was ready to argue, she would come and meet me wherever I was. It was one of the hardest parts of our marriage. But a lot changed after I answered my calling.
These days, I try to be patient and understanding. I’ve started seeing my wife as a test of my faith. Whenever she does something or wants to start a fight, I ask the Holy Spirit for guidance before I react. And every time, patience has worked. Two people cannot be fire at the same time. One person has to be water.
Marriage has made me even more patient. If anyone had told me that I needed more patience, I would have argued with them. Ask anyone who knows me, and they’ll describe me as gentle and easy-going. I’ve always been the person who barely says anything.
So it genuinely surprised me to realise that I still needed to learn how to be more patient.
But I think that was God’s way of teaching me. There’s almost nothing in my spiritual journey these days that can shake me or get a brash reaction out of me. I’ve learnt to diffuse a situation before reacting to it, and I learnt that through my marriage.
If I could go back, I would tell myself to pay more attention before getting married.
I know that one or two years, or even five years, isn’t necessarily enough time to know someone completely. You can sleep and wake up with the same person for the rest of your life and still discover parts of them they’ve chosen to hide from you. But you owe yourself the responsibility of trying to discover those parts.
When I was dating my wife, I naturally accepted that she was calm and easy-going like me. But I didn’t really put her in situations where I could have found out if that was truly her nature.
So I would tell anyone getting married not to assume they know the person they’re marrying. Use whatever method works for you to understand the person you’ll spend your life with. You owe yourself that much.
And when people change after marriage, you also have to decide whether you’re willing to grow with them. For me, marriage has taught me that patience and understanding aren’t just things you say you value. Sometimes, they’re what keep you from giving up when you no longer recognise the person you married.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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