Motherhood can change more than a woman’s life. For many women, it also changes how they view their partners. While some discovered new reasons to love and appreciate their husbands better, others were forced to confront disappointing realities.
In this article, eight Nigerian women share how motherhood transformed their view of their husbands.
Having my son with my husband has made me appreciate him more. I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about husbands being useless and deadbeat while their postpartum wife takes care of the baby all by herself, but it was never like that with my husband.
He took responsibility for our baby the moment we got back from the hospital. He didn’t make me feel alone amid the chaos that came with being a new parent. He carried his weight effectively. No one had to teach him how to bathe our son, change his diapers or feed him from the bottle. He learned by himself, and he was so patient with me, especially when I was dealing with postpartum rage. I would shout and throw things at him, and he would do his best to calm me down without yelling. He even found me a therapist and made sure I didn’t miss my appointments. He was basically the calm to my storm.
He didn’t have a present father, but he learned how to be a good father to our child, and that just made me love him more.
After we had our daughter, I immediately got on birth control pills. I realised that I would be doing myself a disservice if I had a second child with my husband. Throughout the time I nursed our daughter, he didn’t lift a single finger, and that was so funny to me because he was the one who kept begging me to have a child a year into our marriage, even though I wanted us to wait for a long time. He had been so excited when I told him I was pregnant, and I’d foolishly thought that he would be a good father, but I was wrong.
He barely paid attention to the baby or me. He didn’t know when the baby woke up, and he couldn’t tell if she was crying from hunger or because her diaper was soiled. When the baby starts crying in the middle of the night, he would literally wake me up and ask me to figure it out. I couldn’t even open up to him about my postpartum depression because I was so sure he was going to trivialise my struggles. He knows nothing about my early motherhood journey or anything about his daughter.
Being a mother has shown me how disappointing my husband can be, and that’s exactly why I won’t be having any children for him again. He keeps asking me if we can try for a second child, and I keep telling him okay while knowing fully well that if my pills fail me, I won’t hesitate to get an abortion.
Before we had our twins, my husband was someone who smoked and drank at least three times a week, but from the moment I told him I was expecting, he discarded both habits. It was not an easy feat because he had been doing that for years, and I never minded because he wasn’t necessarily an addict in my eyes, but he wanted to be a good father with a clear mind. He didn’t have a good father, but he had a great mother who he learned so much from and it was from her that he learned how important it was for a parent to be present in their child’s life.
Throughout my pregnancy, he treated me like I was a princess, and he always made sure I had access to all my cravings, including the ones that didn’t make sense. When we had our babies, he made sure he was there for every single moment with me. Having twins was already hard, so he made sure that the rest of my life was not harder. He took the bulk of the parenting, got a housemaid to help around the house, and he made sure I was not overwhelmed in any way. Because of him, I slept well, ate well, and didn’t feel guilty anytime I went for a walk without the babies. I never felt restless from being away from them because I knew they were in safe hands. Having children with my husband has brought us closer together than ever. I am glad he is my husband.
Motherhood was definitely one of the major reasons why my husband and I divorced after twenty years of marriage. I grew up watching my dad be present in our lives, and it made me think all men were like that. Then I had all my children with my husband and realised how wrong I was.
Right from the start, when we had our first child, I took on 70% of the parenting. For some reason, he thought that just spending money made a father. How they ate, who their friends were, what was going on with them at school, their injuries, none of them mattered to him. He was not present in their lives, and as time went on, all my children went from desperately seeking attention from their father to not wanting to be in the same room with him. Seeing the way some of my friends’ husbands actively pay attention to their children’s lives without being told what to do was what made me realise that I couldn’t keep being with a man who barely paid attention to my children and me. We are divorced now, and the children and I have never been happier than ever.
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Having a child made me realise how inconsiderate my husband was. Before I stepped into motherhood, one could say I was blinded by the love I felt for him. It made me ignore red flags like him not helping out in the kitchen or still wanting me to cook him dinner after a long day at work. A lot of people told me that children change a man, and I thought that having his kid would make him more mature, but alas.
Unlike me, he refused to create space for our daughter. He continued to act like he was a bachelor while I struggled with the parenting. He would go out, act like he didn’t have a family waiting for him, and when he got back, he would expect me to microwave his food, despite knowing I had spent the entire day fighting for my life at work and wrangling our daughter into order after getting home. I’ve never enjoyed motherhood fully because of him, and this has only made me resent him more. It’s this reason why I’ve decided not to have kids with him anymore. I’m not that pressed to have more children to prove a point or anything. I’m okay with my daughter.
Having a child didn’t change how I saw my husband. He has always shown kindness and patience to me, and I knew, right down to my bones, that he would express that same kindness and patience to any child I birthed. When we had our first child, he made sure to use his paternity leave fully so he could be there for me anytime I needed him. We already had a housemaid, but he got two more because he didn’t want me to feel any discomfort. He knew I wasn’t a big fan of family coming over and stressing out the kid and me, and he made sure to set boundaries with everyone of them.
When I had a health crisis just a few days before him going back to work, he begged for an extra month just so he could be with me. Our child is turning two soon, and he has made an effort to be constantly present for her. For once, I’ve never felt like I was married to a man-child who made excuses to not take care of his children. With him, it’s like a beautiful partnership, and since giving birth to our baby girl, I’ve only felt closer to him. I can’t wait to have more children for him.
Having children ruined the balance between my husband and me. They opened my eyes and made me see that I was married to someone who did not show me consideration. I have three kids for him, and not once in his life did he ever take a break from work to spend time with them. He didn’t take his paternity leave because he didn’t think there was anything he could do to help me. He expected me to be at his beck and call during my postpartum, and I would never forget the time he yelled at me to get out of our bedroom when our first child, who was two months old at the time, started crying her lungs out. It was definitely stupid of me to see the way he treated me when I had our first child and still believed that our other children might “change” or “turn” him into a better father. I do not regret my kids, but I regret the fact that he’s their father.
Motherhood made me appreciate my husband more. He grew up an orphan and had to deal with his emotionally and physically abusive uncle throughout his teenage years, and he was worried about the possibility of turning out like him that he took himself to therapy the moment I announced my pregnancy.
From the pregnancy through my child’s birth, he did his best to be present. He didn’t make raising our child seem like a burden, like I’ve seen most husbands do. He is careful in how he handles our son, and he’s constantly learning new ways to care for him. I’m even more in love with him than I was when we got married. I can’t wait for my son to grow up so I can better understand their dynamics. I know that he’s going to be a good father figure to our son, and I am excited to experience that.
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