In the final episode of Naijaonpoint’s 100 Nigerians: Anatomy of a Marriage, we asked married Nigerians who have spent years together to share what the journey to forever has looked like.
From couples approaching their first decade together to those who have weathered decades of marriage, childbirth, financial struggles and other difficult seasons, these stories offer a glimpse into the patience, understanding, perseverance and commitment it takes from both partners to build a marriage that lasts.
We married young, and everyone still saw us as kids. So whenever we had issues, there were always outside opinions. People would tell me, “This is how a man should behave,” or, “Why are you allowing this?” I started listening to those voices instead of listening to my wife. It changed how I treated her.
Then one day, I read an article that said the most important person in your marriage should be your spouse, not your parents or your children, because that’s the person you’re actually building a life with. It hit me hard. I realised I’d been letting everybody else into my marriage except the person I chose. I had to return to first principles: I loved this girl. This was the person I started the journey with. After that, I shut out the noise. That decision has kept our marriage for over a decade.
My husband is one of one. He’s kind to his core, and I don’t think he even realises just how good of a person he is. I don’t think anyone is doing romance like we are. Every single day is intentional, and it’s in the way we prioritise each other, the way we still hold hands after almost a decade, the way he never forgets to touch me when we pass each other in the house. We’ve built something so strong that even when life happens, we find our way back to each other. A way to know your marriage is solid is to look at your kids. Our children are happy, thriving, and full of love. That wouldn’t be possible if we weren’t doing something right as partners.
I’ve been married for nine years, and one thing that has always kept us going is intimacy. There’s no issue, no matter how big or small, that a night of intimacy can’t solve for us. I struggled in the first few years because my body wasn’t used to having so much sex, but over time, I realised how much intimacy helped our relationship, so I leaned into it. That’s why I don’t understand couples who stop having sex when they’re fighting. For us, intimacy has been one of the most important things keeping our marriage happy.
We’ve weathered so much together as a couple over the past three decades. In the earlier years, my husband didn’t make it easy. He was hard on the kids and me. He blurred the line between being a strict head of the family and a loving husband or father. But that phase eventually passed. I’m happy I stayed long enough to see this version of our marriage. I’ve always believed that marriage has different phases, and this current one is beautiful. He’s kinder, more patient, and not half the disciplinarian he used to be. I see him with our grandkids and remember how our children scattered whenever he came home. He’s softer now, and we’re in a good place.
21 years of marriage means we’ve been through many ups and downs. However, people must know that rough patches aren’t the same thing as a broken marriage. You have to be honest with yourself about which one you are actually in. There are things that can be worked through over time, with effort and genuine change from both sides. And there are things that cannot. Only you know which situation you are truly in. For us, the good that existed between us was always real enough to hold onto, even during the worst of it. That mattered. It kept us together when leaving would have been easier.
In our 15 years of marriage, the most challenging period was waiting for our first child. My wife suffered multiple miscarriages, and each one broke her a little more than the last. I wasn’t as worried as she was. Even though it had only been a year or two into our marriage, I kept reassuring her that we had time, but she still struggled with the weight of it all.
It was a difficult period for both of us, but I always knew that if having children didn’t happen for us, we could adopt and carry on with our lives. I didn’t see children as the thing that would make or break our marriage. I’ve always believed that you’ve still won if all you have is a great partner.
Over a decade later, I still feel the same way. Marriage is a complex institution, but also the best one you can have. And in my case, I bagged the best woman.
I’ve been friends with my husband for 38 years, and we’ve been married for 27. Like every marriage, ours has had its ups and downs, especially when it comes to finances. We planned to have three children, but ended up with six because I really wanted a girl. About five years ago, a cheating episode almost ended our marriage. My husband had never given me any reason to doubt him in over three decades, so I saw it as a lapse in judgement and the devil’s handiwork. He was genuinely sorry, and we’ve put it behind us. We’ll spend the rest of our lives together.
I’ve been married for 22 years, and patience is the biggest thing that has kept my union going. My wife can be very troublesome, but underneath that tough exterior, she’s a good mum and wife. People are still surprised that I’m in this marriage. Some are even convinced she tied me down with something spiritual. The truth is, I’ve simply learnt to be the understanding and patient one. It wasn’t easy because, naturally, a man is expected to be the tough one. But when I stopped trying to be tough and became more patient and understanding, our marriage worked. People need to understand what works for their own unique circumstances.
I’m celebrating my 10th wedding anniversary next year, and I still can’t believe we’ve made it this far. For 10 years, we haven’t had a child, and it’s been a source of pain in our marriage. Sometimes we forget about it, but other times, it feels like an ache in our hearts. It can feel like something is missing because we haven’t built the family we imagined. But through it all, my husband and I have bonded. We’ve become best friends, gone on adventures and continually chased happiness together. We’ve reached a point where, whether children come or not, the foundation of our marriage remains unshaken.
It’s been over two decades together and we still do many lovey-dovey things together. For example, we still bathe together. We’ve done it almost every day since we’ve been married. Even our children are aware. They sometimes prepare the bath for mummy and daddy. It has really strengthened our bond. Especially on those days when we’ve had arguments and aren’t really speaking. At least, we know that when it’s time to get into the bathroom, we’d have a reason to exchange words. I’d always advise younger couples to find that one common ground and nurture it. That has worked for our own marriage.
I’ve been married for 11 years, but we’ve stayed together for the last two years or so because of the children more than anything else. The love is still there, but it’s been buried beneath the pressure of raising kids, struggling financially and having many fights that have left wounds. Sometimes, it feels like we’re just existing in the same marriage. I hope things get better because neither of us wants to leave. But I also hope we get to a place where we’re not just staying for the sake of it, but actually enjoying being together again.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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