Every Nollywood movie has that one character who makes you go “God forbid I ever cross paths with this human in real life.” Now imagine worse: you don’t just cross paths with them, you live with them. One room, one fridge, one shared bathroom, no escape.
Some of these characters will die for you. Some will get you arrested. A few will do both in the same week. We calculated the odds of you making it out alive (or at least out of debt) if any of these Nollywood icons became your roommate.
He will keep on borrowing 500 naira from you until one day he shows up to the house with a new iPhone, home appliances and a huge cash gift for you. You’ll never know what he does for a living but your life will be consistently bankrolled until one night EFCC raids your apartment and you find yourself on their twitter page holding a whiteboard trying to explain yourself.
This will be the strictest roommate you will have. Everything will be split 50-50, even if it’s a pack of biscuits and you will be forced to speak proper English in the house, no pidgin. He will also refuse to eat eba with his hands, a fork only.
He will be running a very suspicious business from your room where people bring their dead friends and relatives to him to resurrect. You won’t question it because at least it brings money until one day you find out he’s been secretly getting with your girlfriend.
Clara will bring you all the gist from the minister”s office. But she’ll collect bribes from all your visitors before she’ll let them into the room and when you complain she will lock the kitchen until you bribe her and apologize.
She’ll spend half of the time swooning over Eli, they’ll be on the phone doing “you hang up, no you hang up” while you’re trying to sleep. The other half of her time will be spent picking the most outrageous outfits while singing iconic Igbo songs. Three nights a week you’ll have to leave the house so she and Eli can celebrate one new anniversary or the other.
She will be a loyal roommate but will always bring one problem or another to the room because of the lies she likes telling. One day you’ll stumble on her diary and read it out of curiosity, in it you’ll find out her plans to leave Shege and travel abroad.
She will be the most put together roommate you’ll have and her organization skills might make you jealous but you’ll be at peace because her love life is a mess. Everyday she’ll be gisting you about a man she doesn’t want to marry. Then one day she’ll show up with a white man who doesn’t play about jollof rice and Davido.
Adire will rarely be around but she will always make you the sexiest fits and invite you to the club. One day you’ll complain about how bad sex is with your sneaky link and she’ll buy you your first sex toy that will change your life.
Kemi is ready to die for you as your roommate. No matter the problem you bring to her, she will never say you’re the one at fault and will always come up with a solution for you. Her loyalty might scare you sometimes but you know she’s always on your side no matter what—even if you bring a dead body.
Some days Ishaya will be the best roommate ever, other days he’ll bring trouble to your doorstep and you’ll find yourself running from gang members by 12am one random day. He’ll try to appease you by gifting you a beautiful portrait that you’ll grudgingly accept until another problem rolls around.
What do you think about this?
Drop your opinion in the comment section.
FOLLOW US & Share this with someone who needs to see this.
